I don’t know how to start this post. I don’t know if I’ll get my thoughts and emotions out the way I want or feel exactly… but I feel the need to express myself.
I was that type of person that read the news everyday until it no longer became news to me. I no longer care about what I read on the news. By care I mean it no longer surprises me. I feel that I have established this part of me that I don’t normally do, repressing issues. I read the news and then it goes to that part of my mind that I don’t want to face. I don’t do this with my own personal life and feelings because I know it’s not good for you. But I found myself doing this for when I read the news.
I am a person that deeply cares. I genuinely care for everyone’s safety and life. When I hear terrible news, I emotionally feel hurt. I got tired of feeling this way, so I guess I just shut it out.
When I read about the Israeli/Palestinian conflicts, and see lives on both sides being taken, my heart cries.
When I hear about bombs that went off and killed however number of people at whichever place, my heart cries
When I read about animals dying because of human’s stupidity, my heart cries.
When I read women crying out and demanding justice because they’ve been sexual abused and raped while their abuser is out free or not being treated the way they should be, my heart cries.
When I read someone decided to go shoot 50 people at a gay club, my heart cries.
I do care… I do… but it doesn’t surprise me anymore. It no longer holds that factor in me. But there is one thing that does…fear. When I read everything overtime, I get this huge sense of fear. And that’s scary. So I decide to repress it… what I don’t acknowledge won’t affect me right? Wrong.
I live in a city where you constantly hear sirens. There was a time a year ago I blocked them out because it was city noise. I became use to it. It wasn’t until after the Paris attacks that I noticed something change about me…every time I hear a lot of sirens, I feel as if something big happened. I immediately get scared and search on the news to see if anything happened in the city… but nothing shows up. I search as if I am expecting bad terrible news.
I am in a constant state of fear. Waiting for something bad to happen. I am in a constant state of fear that I may get raped as I walk home to or from work. I am in constant fear that someone will set off a bomb in my city. I am in constant fear.
I talk how important it is to not let media control the way you think and act… but I never knew how strong it can be towards your subconscious. You can’t avoid everything.
I don’t want to make this post about me… and it truly isn’t. I believe that the common factor here is the toll terrorism has. To those who inflect it, to those who amplify it, and to those who receive it. It’s scary to think that terror runs this world and how some people just run with it.
I do not experience violence in my daily life. I can’t truly understand the meaning of terrorism without experiencing first hand myself. But at the same time I don’t have to. Terror is a source of power… it is a form of propaganda, a tool and a weapon.
People march and sing peace on earth whenever a tragedy has happen. I’m sick of it. I wish to express my condolences to every event that has happen but I feel that it’s not enough. Even writing this post isn’t enough. It’s just me venting.
My heart and prayers goes out to everyone in this world that is or has been affect by violence, terror and fear.
But just because terror and fear exist, it doesn’t mean we are not strong. That I am not strong. I wake up everyday with a smile on my face to go face my fears. I can only pray that those that do go through darkness everyday manage to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Peace may not be achievable in this world, but having inner peace is.