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Over the past few years that I’ve had this blog, I’ve written by self-love and self-image. I’ve written a blog about being motivated in going to the gym and also my hate of the word fat. However, I sometimes feel like a hypocrite because wow have things have changed for me the past few months.

Though I still stand with all that I’ve said, love your true self without the need of makeup, love your body especially for its capabilities… I still have troubles myself.

Before moving to Toronto, I had a great routine going to the gym and being fit. It was a lifestyle I was getting used to. But when I moved here, that lifestyle became hard to maintain. 70% of it were excuses I’ve made for sure, but getting to the gym was hard. I was at a point in my life where getting myself professionally was way more important. I wasn’t financially stable to go out of my way and afford a nice gym. I was going to a gym that was affordable but so far away from home that going to the gym was a mission itself.

It was hard to find the energy to make it to the gym. I broke my routine and my habit. When 2016 came around, I told myself NO MORE EXCUSES! But boy was that hard. The motivation was just not there. I would go and work out, but then I’d get sick. Then there would be a week that I didn’t go… and then I’ll start going, but then I’d travel and couldn’t make it to the gym. There was always some excuse I would tell myself.

I started gaining weight like crazy. It’s November of 2016, and I haven’t lost one pound that I told myself I would lose at the start of the year. Suddenly I became so self-conscious about how I look. Most of my clothing don’t fit me the same way anymore and worst of all I lose it when I see another stretch mark forming on the side of my hips. I’m at the point where I dread going out because half of my closet won’t fit me, where I walk by my mirror dreading what I’ll be faced with.

No matter how many “love your body” articles, speeches, blogs or whatever it may be that I see, it just doesn’t work. I don’t know how these people just come to the conclusion of accepting their bodies the way they are. I don’t know because I don’t know how to get there myself.

When I see TV shows with super skinny fit actresses or see the explore page on Instagram full of these girls wearing crop tops/ half naked, I automatically feel so disturbed with myself. I think about how I would love to see more girls my body type on TV… It’ll be nice to see girls that when they sit down, some of their gut would pouch out from their jeans like me!

My constant thoughts are how I look and feel. However, I’m not scared or worried about what others think of me. At this point, I can give two shits what anyone thinks of my body! It’s how I feel about myself, and I’m just not happy. I can only imagine how many people think the same thing as me cause I know I’m not alone.

I feel I’ve fallen into this category of “the girls who think she’s fat”, but it’s not about that. It’s about feeling good and comfortable in your skin and body. It’s not about being thick or overweight it’s about loving what you see in the mirror.

I want to feel and look great for myself, and this gut is just not helping me do so.

I wanted to share this because I’ve mentioned it in the past that there is no excuse to not living an active lifestyle and how you should just love yourself without any makeup. I thought I should share that though as much as we try to improve on ourselves, there will be moments of self-doubt and judging. But what matters most is the part of what you do to improve it and changes these things.

I was inspired to write this after reading this article of a fitness blogger who encourages to love yourself at all angles, which is something I struggle with. I want to share my commitment to you. I want to commit to improving myself, whether it’s going to the gym or finding more motivation or whatever it may be. But I am DONE with judging myself. I want to feel good and to do that I can’t have excuses. I can’t come home after work and Netflix and expect results. I want to make a difference in myself just like I know I have done so before.

So if you’re having the same thoughts as me, honey you’re not alone, and I encourage you not to give up.

I’ve posted this before, and I’ll post this again because I feel that I also need a push. This is by far the best motivation speech I’ve heard:

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